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#5 Ask the Addict’s Mom
Why is Addiction Called “A Family Disease?”
~By Kathy Brock Frasier, Regional Director, The Addict’s Mom
Why is addiction called “a family disease”?
Addiction is called a “family disease” yet many will dispute this by responding “I do not have the problem. He/she has the problem because he /she is the one taking drugs.” However, addiction wraps its tentacles tightly around those closest to the addict, most typically family and friends. Good times, family events, love, happiness and joy are replaced by an obsession to stop the destructive behavior of the addict. Family resentment is fueled by the “enabler” who repeatedly attempts to fix the problem, using consequences that are otherwise effective with non-addicted children.
Following many attempts, strategies and years spent to stop the addict from taking drugs, the failed cycle remains in place and family dynamics change. Living with an addict causes severe trauma to everyone within the home. The stress brought about by addiction often manifests itself through physical ailments, including high blood pressure, headaches, frequent colds, chest pains, to name a few. Because we are so busy worrying about others, we fail to take care of ourselves. Brothers, sisters and spouses often feel excluded and unimportant, ultimatums are demanded to choose between the child and spouse, and strife in the household has become the norm. The family begins to disintegrate and resentment festers. The entire family feels anger, sadness, depression, fear, loneliness, jealousy, shame, inadequacy and failure. Purses and wallets become bedtime companions, deadlocks are placed on bedroom doors, valuables are hidden away in locked safes and the home becomes a fortress. Finances are depleted, friendships are lost, relationships are damaged, our health is poor and the home is a war zone. It feels helpless.
There is a word for behavior that enables an addict and it is called co-dependence. Some consider co-dependence a disease itself. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines co-dependence as “a psychological condition or relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly: dependence on the needs of or control by another.”
Families are manipulated by addicts who will do or say anything to minimize their disease and to continue drug usage. As parents we want to believe the best of our addicted children as we always hold out hope that their words are true and there will be an end to the madness. What we fail to understand is the strength of the disease of addiction. When we choose to believe them and give in to their requests, only to be let down once again, we take it personally. We ask ourselves “how could our child do this to us?” Education surrounding the true brain disease of addiction is paramount to our own recovery of this disease, as well as theirs.
Once we recognize our futile attempts to stop a disease for which there has yet to be found a cure, we can begin to utilize different strategies in dealing with our addicted children. We can allow our children to feel the consequences and results of their behavior. In essence, we can “raise their bottom.” We can begin to take care of ourselves by reaching out to mothers who have had similar experiences. As we build friendships and feel supported and loved, it becomes easier to make difficult decisions and we learn new ways to cope with the reality of addiction.
While it’s commonly agreed that providing our addicted children with cash is not a good idea as it likely contributes to buying more drugs—and hiring expensive attorneys might provide a short reprieve, (but does not guarantee recovery) we must remember that each circumstance and every child is unique.
There is no right or wrong way to respond to a situation. We must live with our own decisions regarding enabling/co-dependence and each decision must be carefully weighed. One indisputable fact remains . . . a healthy and educated family is better equipped to face the trials of an addicted child.
“The Addict’s Mom,” founded by Barbara Theodosiou is a group that reaches out to families dealing with addiction. We invite mothers and families of addicts to join us. The Addict’s Mom is a community where members can “Share Without Shame,” their daily struggle, their sorrows, their victories with others who understand the impact of this devastating disease. We offer resources, groups, referrals, but most of all we offer hope and the knowledge that we are not alone in this fight to change perceptions and save lives. The Addict’s Mom is currently registering for non-profit status and growing by the hundreds daily. Find us on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, YouTube, Google +, and our online websites. (click here to explore the Addict’s Mom membership site)
MORE from The Addict’s Mom:
-She Just Couldn’t Do It Anymore
–Are you a “Supermom?” It’s time to think about changing.
–Expectations for our loved one’s recovery vs. reality
–Visit The Addict’s Mom Website
> Recommended Books and DVDs for families of substance abusers and addicts.
> Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics
Why Don’t They Just Quit? Hope for families struggling with addiction.
~By Joe Herzanek
Contains 7 new chapters and info on: Heroin, Shame & Stigma, Harm Reduction, Marijuana, Synthetic Drugs, 12-Step Groups & The Church, and much more!
As the mom of a child struggling with addiction, and the author of ‘The Joey Song: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction,’ my ‘go to’ book is still “Why Don’t They Just Quit? ~Sandy Swenson
Best book ever about addiction. Written by one whose done it and is recovering. Easy to read, not preachy, just honest. I recommend this book to anyone with an addict in their life! ~Lynda A
Got an addiction problem in your family? Read this book. Joe knows his stuff. This book helps you to better understand those who are dealing with friends and family that are addicted to drugs and alcohol. I have read several of these books but this one is the best. ~RJ
> Audio Book CD (Listen to the book)
> Audible Audio Download (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE NOW)
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?
>Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?
>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?
>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”
>Should my husband “back off?”
>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?
>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?
>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?
–from The Addict’s Mom. ”Why is Addiction Called A Family Disease?” to Blog Home
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