Real People, Real Stories:
I have watched Nikki from afar. She has overcome a life-destroying meth addiction, established a new “fairy tale” life in the mountains of Colorado with her fiance and best friend—and was on top of the world as she celebrated her first Christmas in decades with her two grown sons. Then suddenly without warning, her world was shattered.
On June 14, 2012 her beloved younger son Tanner was killed in a horrific motorcycle accident. Tanner was only 18. Nikki’s life would never be the same. She became an empty shell. The once bubbly, spontaneous and exuberant girl who loved to dance in the rain, and make snow angels—was snatched away and lost. Nikki “existed” as she aimlessly went through the motions of living. Those closest to her found themselves unable to penetrate her protective shell.
Nikki experienced the loss of her relationship with her fiance as well. This amazingly talented woman/writer, is a fighter who will not stay down. She is not on her feet yet, but she has not allowed the demon of meth to swallow her life once again. Several mornings ago a post from Nikki appeared that sparked a glimmer of hope in me. With Nikki’s permission I share this with you. ~Judy Herzanek
Optimistic . . . even if only for a few moments. ~by Nikki Holman
“. . . is gonna get her optimistic dreamer face back on . . . even if only for a few moments. Being such a spring & summer chica I had forgotten what positive things the change of summer to fall brings us. After sweating our A**es off for months it is like an audible breath of relief to experience the shift from dripping sweat to light chill in the afternoon breeze. Although I will miss the LONG days there is something snuggly about the shortened fall ones ( grabbing a blankie & an extra hot Caramel Machiatto) The fall colors ( although Momma Nature obviously favors Colorado the best with the vibrant aspens) and their impacts. They bring a balance of added color for subtracting the warm temperatures. And on & on & on & on but the thing all this has in common is change and though a huge part of me hates the thought of change cuz it means life goes on without my Tanner ( stomp . . . it makes me so MAD) the optimistic side re-emerging whispers gently in my ear. . . Wait a sec Chica . . .you have had the MOST BRUTAL . . . HORRIFIC . . . NIGHTMAR
If nothing else I need to embrace the changes of season as it brings me one step closer to my boy. Yeah I have no doubt I will fall more than once, but he is right; WE ARE SOLDIERS—my boys and I; and we will ALWAYS get up & give life a run for its money. I’ll never stop wanting him back and if you plan on being in my life its a given you’ ll have to endure repeated memories of my baby . . . but just because he is gone doesn’t mean that HEALING EQUALS PUTTING HIM IN A CLOSET; it means helping his memory stay alive while LIVING and creating MY own legacy!”
Grief and Healing